so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
Brickbreaker makes my post drinking poops that much better. Sorry, I had to tell someone who might agree.
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
Randomize
