So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
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