the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
Randomize
