She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
Randomize
