Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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