It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
I think my fart just growled at me.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
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