did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
Reggie can tackle my bush.
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Randomize
