I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
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