So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
even through the webcam i could tell he was aiming for my face/hair
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
Randomize
