there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
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