if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
coke and sex party at dan's
im watching greys anatomy with megan...
wha-pishhh
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
