i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
Randomize
