She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
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