dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
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