a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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