Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
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