a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Randomize
