We drank from noon till 5 am, there was adderall and nice jews involved it was just crazy
the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
