wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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