i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
