and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
