so that wasnt chicken after all
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
it was like having sex with a tree stump
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
Freshman ate returning to campus. Let Operation Slut Storm commence.
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
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