things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
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