I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
last final went out with a bang.. 20 min late bra-less, cum in my hair and i still cant find my shoes.
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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