I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
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