What happened to our ballroom dancing plans
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
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