The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
The adults are the big ones right?
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
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