20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
My hope for you over spring break is that you can be some disease free girl's random spring break mistake.
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
Randomize