I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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