This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Randomize
