I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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