Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
you made out with another girl for some wings
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
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