i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
Randomize
