I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
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