What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
hey in girl talk does "want to come over tonight and have some beers with me?" mean i want wiener?
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
she was licking his armpits.
asian porn is just fucking weird. End of story.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
Randomize
