Where are you???
With some dude on the way to his house to blaze
You went back to a stranger's house????
He isn't a stranger...he used to be on kids, inc.
I love LA.
Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
