I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
