Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
Come over
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
