woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
Your cock deserves a montage
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
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