did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
Randomize
