Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Randomize
