if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
Weird question, would you want to do fetish porn? you get paid.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
It's gay softball weekend. Lots of hot gay strangers to go home with.
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
Randomize
