I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
Randomize
