Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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