I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Randomize
