If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
How much cunt could a cunt bag punch if a cunt bag could punch cunt?
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
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