If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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