it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
