He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
she was a 2....and a legitimate 2. like, helen keller is a 1, this girl...2.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
Randomize
