who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
she took her clothes off and my dick went from =====> to =>
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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