Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
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