her vagine was all disorganized.
do u usually make out with people before telling them your name???
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
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