It's pouring out. I am cold, wet, and miserable.... Kind of reminds me of our sleepover last night.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
So on facebook, the pictures from my church mission trip are right up next to the pictures of my first time on E. Sorry Jesus.
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
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