i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
Randomize
