I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
Just discovered Kim Possible porn. Life is now complete.
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
Randomize
