Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
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