There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
thanks for not wanting to stay all night or talk or anything, nice to have a fuck buddy who really doesnt take the buddy part serious
I'm all about the fuck
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
Randomize
