Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
I fill condoms, not promises.
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize
